why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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