I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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