I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
