You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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