this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
