I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
