I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
