you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
