I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
