If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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