I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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