she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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