as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
