dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
