my phone needs a breathalizer
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
