I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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