Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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