so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
