i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
