Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
