Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
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