He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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