she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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