We named our party play list daddy issues
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
