so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
