I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
