soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
