Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
