True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
