Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
