Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
