So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
My penis needs a shock collar
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
