I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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