you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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