I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
