he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
