sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
