im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
