Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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