I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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