It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
