Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
