It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
