Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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