she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
