I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize