Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
