he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
