I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
