The maid of honor just puked.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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