god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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