I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
we're so committed to being not committed
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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