I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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