She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
