Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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