I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
