I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
