So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
