Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
