oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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