By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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