She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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