Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need a beard to bite.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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