please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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