I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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