I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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