Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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